"many adults who grew up in evangelical churches grapple with lingering shame, unfulfilled promises (if you save sex for marriage, then God will give you a spouse, lots of great sex, lots of obedient children, and tickets to the Eras Tour), and warped views of the opposite gender."
I may be atypical, but none of that ever came up when I was young. I was only taught the basic ideal: that sex was to be reserved for the one person you would vow to love and serve for as long as you lived... if, after all, you actually got married. I saw this as a matter of obedience - and wisdom - and not as a trade-off where I sacrifice today's wants for something better tomorrow. The idea that God might owe me, or even reward me, was never suggested... and I never imagined it.
I think I "escaped" it for the most part too, but I saw it more with my two older siblings. Both had "purity" rings and neither waited till marriage, and there was definitely the question of "how far is too far" which basically meant if you didn't have intercourse, you might be ashamed but you were still a virgin (technically). My husband signed an abstinence pledge when he was like 12, which brought him shame later in life. From his story, it didn't really sound like a choice, more pressure from parents. For me, it wasn't quite so prevalent. I will add though that no one told me that sin was fun and/or pleasurable in the moment, so when I did have sex/mess around before marriage, I thought, "there's no way this could be wrong, it feels so right." For me, this was less a theology of sex misunderstanding and more a theology of sin understanding. There was definitely still a feeling of being "damaged" by not "saving myself" for a significant portion of my youth
I'm sorry to hear those things, Rachel. You make a good point: many of the problems come directly from poor teaching, or missing information. I'm not a young man, and I've spent years teaching people of all ages, including those far older than I am... and I'm often surprised at some of the most basic, simple biblical concepts that they've never been taught.
Thanks Tony. I like so many others, have found that my sins though they were many, were forgiven, and God specifically used my struggles to draw me further into His love. This is something that no culture or rules can bring, only Jesus. Praying for us all to dig further in and know more of the heart of God
Choice and wrestling this out within oneself is so so important. So often I feel maybe some more "seasoned" Christians get fearful of letting or seeing young adults work these things out for themselves, but fear-based coercion is not THEIR choice and therefore does not often lead to true heart change or greater desired holiness. Pray for your young adults, have these conversations with them, look in the Bible together and TALK about sex and what they see or believe God desires based on looking up theological principles and verses. Sometimes I think we're all just a little lazy about sex talks and not opening the word together as a family in a SOFT open-minded tone, but young people need to SEE scripture and be taught to think for themselves ❤️. The Bible is powerful all on it's own in growing our faith in every area, including sexuality. So happy for this particular topic trending towards "think wisely for yourself" instead of blinding accepting a list of legalistic "do and don'ts". Praying we can teach our own son to look to the Bible for guidance and wisdom in all areas of his life, including his sexuality.
Thank you for this interview, Katelyn! I appreciate your thoughtful engagement with this topic (including that NYT article from five years ago) and sharing this conversation with me.
"But my values are abstinence before marriage and faithfulness in marriage. "
These are Christ's values, they're not necessarily ours. If it's a Christian sexual ethic, that is not the foundation, as Jesus is, but that is non negotiable. We're all sinners and if we're seeking Christ then there's an effort to achieve those values but we can't be mixing up what we want from what God wants or what emulating Christ is. That's just as bad or even can be worse than whatever purity culture was apparently so bad for and a lot of people are critical because they see people start viewing Christ outside of Christ and the Bible.
I get the advantage and mindset for them being our values and I accept and live for them but if you take Christ in knowledge and everything out of the picture I just highly doubt anyone would pick that. I certainly wouldn't but I do know Christ so that's the difference maker here.
There is definitely work to be done here. On a wider theological scale we treat just about all of our beliefs as one-size-fits-all, so treating sexuality and human bodies all the same just comes naturally. Mostly we do what is mimetically done--what our parents did or what what our church believes and because of this any talk of liberating our individual wills, consciences, boundaries and inhibitions sounds like what we always hear, "they just want to sin," when what we want is to be lead by the Spirit of God who doesn't pay much attention to our tradition's mockery of holiness and purity.
You might find Dorothy Littell Greco a helpful voice in this area. (Making Marriage Beautiful and Marriage in the Middle ) Her new book (Zondervan 2025) is about misogyny as it appears in six arenas (not 7 mountains) of life.
Has anyone come across any books or writers addressing how to talk about this with our kids? How to present them with a healthy, holistic sexual ethic derived from our faith sans purity culture? I'm still recovering/sorting through my own baggage with purity culture and just realized some scripts would be helpful as a reference. I like the idea of rooting the discussion within broader teaching on Christian orthopraxy, so that premarital sex doesn't become the BIG SIN that my kids can't recover from if they don't wait until marriage.
Also, is anyone discussing the compounded trauma purity teaching adds to sexual abuse and rape survivors?
Check out the materials at Bare Marriage by Sheila Gregoire et al. Their book “She Deserves Better” addresses the impact of purity culture and changes we can make. They have an online course for talking to kids about their bodies and sexuality (that they are currently updating). Her husband, Keith Gregoire, is a pediatrician.
I recommend Christopher West’s work explaining John Paul II’s Theology of the Body including West’s book “Our Bodies Tell the Story.” TOB is fundamentally a Bible study focusing on the words of Christ and it has compelling reasons for abstinence. It also has compelling reasons for why we are tempted into sexual sin in the first place, and how couples can treat each other well in marriage.
That's a really good idea. Thank you for suggesting that. A good friend of mine who is Catholic was discussing this very thing. I do want to look into this further as the way she was talking about it was a lot more holistic than the evangelical teaching I received growing up.
Our Bodies Tell the Story is specifically for Protestant audiences because it uses language that’s easier to understand within their Christian tradition vs. Catholic-specific language.
Sheila Gregoire writes about this, and her book She Deserves Better addresses talking to teenagers (teen girls in particular, though the principles are also applicable for teen boys).
Thanks, Abigail. I read Gregoire's book earlier this year--it was very good, but more geared toward teens and I'm hoping to find something to work with my tween on. Maybe I should mine her books some more though and see if there are some broader principles I can pull out and use to guide our discussions.
Hi Abigail, the last chapter of my book, Recovering from Purity Culture, is on parenting and teaching kids your values without shame and fear. I also do explore the compounded trauma of sexual abuse plus purity culture some, but I am certain that other books like Mary DeMuth’s We Too, address it even more.
If I was ever touched by what you describe as the "purity culture" it was only peripherally. However, I've been a Christian since I was 7, married for 27 years, have 8 kids, and know a few things about Christian marriage. It's totally true that sex is best saved for marriage, and the intimacy it can create is unmatched. So while I feel bad that this "purity movement" left a bad taste in your mouth, the values they were trying to inculcate were good ones. They just did it wrong.
The Christian life, as the New Testament explains, involves some values that, at first glance, may seem impossible. The Christian world, Christian leaders at least, expect you to go through life in such a way that you never sin, are never tempted to sin, never even get close to it.
But this leaves the person, (or the couple) just starting out with no basis from which to live. We're told to avoid sex, but the only reason a man wants a young woman, the only reason he's willing to take such a big step as marriage, the only reason she responds, is exactly that.
They'll need to somehow make a living and a home, but she's told to do this without sinning or letting him take any risks. It's impossible.
The Baptists are known for frowning on both cards and dancing: now we all know both of those aren't sinful in themselves. But they both smack of a culture that might encourage immorality. This might be the same: prohibitions on things that really aren't wrong, but can lead to things that are.
There seems no permissible concept about sex without the "truth" that sex is different for males and females. That applies to the modern sexual deviance as well as the "ancient." Maybe that is because sexual arousal is more visible for men than for women. That is, there is no equivalence to a male erection in women. Put another way, it is easier for women to hide their arousal because theirs is internal. It seems less immediate. On the other hand, certain after effects are much more visible among women, and harder to hide. By the time a woman's pregnancy become obvious, the man can and often is oblivious to it. Faced with the prospect of a life-long commitment, the man can simply disappear. The mother cannot, except if she early on ends the pregnancy, in which the father need not be complicit or even aware. It is impossible to avoid the difference of pregnancy to men than to women.
Consideration of pregnancy and its disparate impact on men and women must be as essential part of sex education regardless of worldview. Without that knowledge, abstinence, purity, and contraceptives become merely academic matters. The moral and societal aspects of pre- and intra-marital sex become less consequential, and sex education easily becomes only about safety and enjoyment, the equivalence of how-to courses on robbery, murder, and mayhem. Who besides pimps and madams would teach such sex education to children? Closely observe modern sex education classes in your local public schools, in your popular entertainment, in your local religious organization, or among your elected officials. That's who.
"many adults who grew up in evangelical churches grapple with lingering shame, unfulfilled promises (if you save sex for marriage, then God will give you a spouse, lots of great sex, lots of obedient children, and tickets to the Eras Tour), and warped views of the opposite gender."
I may be atypical, but none of that ever came up when I was young. I was only taught the basic ideal: that sex was to be reserved for the one person you would vow to love and serve for as long as you lived... if, after all, you actually got married. I saw this as a matter of obedience - and wisdom - and not as a trade-off where I sacrifice today's wants for something better tomorrow. The idea that God might owe me, or even reward me, was never suggested... and I never imagined it.
I think I "escaped" it for the most part too, but I saw it more with my two older siblings. Both had "purity" rings and neither waited till marriage, and there was definitely the question of "how far is too far" which basically meant if you didn't have intercourse, you might be ashamed but you were still a virgin (technically). My husband signed an abstinence pledge when he was like 12, which brought him shame later in life. From his story, it didn't really sound like a choice, more pressure from parents. For me, it wasn't quite so prevalent. I will add though that no one told me that sin was fun and/or pleasurable in the moment, so when I did have sex/mess around before marriage, I thought, "there's no way this could be wrong, it feels so right." For me, this was less a theology of sex misunderstanding and more a theology of sin understanding. There was definitely still a feeling of being "damaged" by not "saving myself" for a significant portion of my youth
I'm sorry to hear those things, Rachel. You make a good point: many of the problems come directly from poor teaching, or missing information. I'm not a young man, and I've spent years teaching people of all ages, including those far older than I am... and I'm often surprised at some of the most basic, simple biblical concepts that they've never been taught.
Thanks Tony. I like so many others, have found that my sins though they were many, were forgiven, and God specifically used my struggles to draw me further into His love. This is something that no culture or rules can bring, only Jesus. Praying for us all to dig further in and know more of the heart of God
I’m glad you escaped the trappings of purity culture!
Thanks !
=) I've been happily married to my first girlfriend for 35 years now.
I'm so glad you put a picture explaining what a purity ball was, because I was not picturing a dance
Lol 😂
Choice and wrestling this out within oneself is so so important. So often I feel maybe some more "seasoned" Christians get fearful of letting or seeing young adults work these things out for themselves, but fear-based coercion is not THEIR choice and therefore does not often lead to true heart change or greater desired holiness. Pray for your young adults, have these conversations with them, look in the Bible together and TALK about sex and what they see or believe God desires based on looking up theological principles and verses. Sometimes I think we're all just a little lazy about sex talks and not opening the word together as a family in a SOFT open-minded tone, but young people need to SEE scripture and be taught to think for themselves ❤️. The Bible is powerful all on it's own in growing our faith in every area, including sexuality. So happy for this particular topic trending towards "think wisely for yourself" instead of blinding accepting a list of legalistic "do and don'ts". Praying we can teach our own son to look to the Bible for guidance and wisdom in all areas of his life, including his sexuality.
Thank you for this interview, Katelyn! I appreciate your thoughtful engagement with this topic (including that NYT article from five years ago) and sharing this conversation with me.
"But my values are abstinence before marriage and faithfulness in marriage. "
These are Christ's values, they're not necessarily ours. If it's a Christian sexual ethic, that is not the foundation, as Jesus is, but that is non negotiable. We're all sinners and if we're seeking Christ then there's an effort to achieve those values but we can't be mixing up what we want from what God wants or what emulating Christ is. That's just as bad or even can be worse than whatever purity culture was apparently so bad for and a lot of people are critical because they see people start viewing Christ outside of Christ and the Bible.
I get the advantage and mindset for them being our values and I accept and live for them but if you take Christ in knowledge and everything out of the picture I just highly doubt anyone would pick that. I certainly wouldn't but I do know Christ so that's the difference maker here.
This is a great interview, thanks KB.
Such an important topic. Thank you for exploring this and for vulnerably sharing!
There is definitely work to be done here. On a wider theological scale we treat just about all of our beliefs as one-size-fits-all, so treating sexuality and human bodies all the same just comes naturally. Mostly we do what is mimetically done--what our parents did or what what our church believes and because of this any talk of liberating our individual wills, consciences, boundaries and inhibitions sounds like what we always hear, "they just want to sin," when what we want is to be lead by the Spirit of God who doesn't pay much attention to our tradition's mockery of holiness and purity.
You might find Dorothy Littell Greco a helpful voice in this area. (Making Marriage Beautiful and Marriage in the Middle ) Her new book (Zondervan 2025) is about misogyny as it appears in six arenas (not 7 mountains) of life.
Has anyone come across any books or writers addressing how to talk about this with our kids? How to present them with a healthy, holistic sexual ethic derived from our faith sans purity culture? I'm still recovering/sorting through my own baggage with purity culture and just realized some scripts would be helpful as a reference. I like the idea of rooting the discussion within broader teaching on Christian orthopraxy, so that premarital sex doesn't become the BIG SIN that my kids can't recover from if they don't wait until marriage.
Also, is anyone discussing the compounded trauma purity teaching adds to sexual abuse and rape survivors?
Check out the materials at Bare Marriage by Sheila Gregoire et al. Their book “She Deserves Better” addresses the impact of purity culture and changes we can make. They have an online course for talking to kids about their bodies and sexuality (that they are currently updating). Her husband, Keith Gregoire, is a pediatrician.
oh, fantastic! I'd read the book, but hadn't been to their website. Thank you.
I recommend Christopher West’s work explaining John Paul II’s Theology of the Body including West’s book “Our Bodies Tell the Story.” TOB is fundamentally a Bible study focusing on the words of Christ and it has compelling reasons for abstinence. It also has compelling reasons for why we are tempted into sexual sin in the first place, and how couples can treat each other well in marriage.
That's a really good idea. Thank you for suggesting that. A good friend of mine who is Catholic was discussing this very thing. I do want to look into this further as the way she was talking about it was a lot more holistic than the evangelical teaching I received growing up.
Our Bodies Tell the Story is specifically for Protestant audiences because it uses language that’s easier to understand within their Christian tradition vs. Catholic-specific language.
Oh cool! I'll definitely check this out. Thank you. :)
Sheila Gregoire writes about this, and her book She Deserves Better addresses talking to teenagers (teen girls in particular, though the principles are also applicable for teen boys).
Thanks, Abigail. I read Gregoire's book earlier this year--it was very good, but more geared toward teens and I'm hoping to find something to work with my tween on. Maybe I should mine her books some more though and see if there are some broader principles I can pull out and use to guide our discussions.
Hi Abigail, the last chapter of my book, Recovering from Purity Culture, is on parenting and teaching kids your values without shame and fear. I also do explore the compounded trauma of sexual abuse plus purity culture some, but I am certain that other books like Mary DeMuth’s We Too, address it even more.
Thanks, Camden. I have your book on my TBR list. :)
I'd forgotten about DeMuth's book. She's certainly got the cred to write on that too. Appreciate the reminder.
If I was ever touched by what you describe as the "purity culture" it was only peripherally. However, I've been a Christian since I was 7, married for 27 years, have 8 kids, and know a few things about Christian marriage. It's totally true that sex is best saved for marriage, and the intimacy it can create is unmatched. So while I feel bad that this "purity movement" left a bad taste in your mouth, the values they were trying to inculcate were good ones. They just did it wrong.
The Christian life, as the New Testament explains, involves some values that, at first glance, may seem impossible. The Christian world, Christian leaders at least, expect you to go through life in such a way that you never sin, are never tempted to sin, never even get close to it.
But this leaves the person, (or the couple) just starting out with no basis from which to live. We're told to avoid sex, but the only reason a man wants a young woman, the only reason he's willing to take such a big step as marriage, the only reason she responds, is exactly that.
They'll need to somehow make a living and a home, but she's told to do this without sinning or letting him take any risks. It's impossible.
The Baptists are known for frowning on both cards and dancing: now we all know both of those aren't sinful in themselves. But they both smack of a culture that might encourage immorality. This might be the same: prohibitions on things that really aren't wrong, but can lead to things that are.
There seems no permissible concept about sex without the "truth" that sex is different for males and females. That applies to the modern sexual deviance as well as the "ancient." Maybe that is because sexual arousal is more visible for men than for women. That is, there is no equivalence to a male erection in women. Put another way, it is easier for women to hide their arousal because theirs is internal. It seems less immediate. On the other hand, certain after effects are much more visible among women, and harder to hide. By the time a woman's pregnancy become obvious, the man can and often is oblivious to it. Faced with the prospect of a life-long commitment, the man can simply disappear. The mother cannot, except if she early on ends the pregnancy, in which the father need not be complicit or even aware. It is impossible to avoid the difference of pregnancy to men than to women.
Consideration of pregnancy and its disparate impact on men and women must be as essential part of sex education regardless of worldview. Without that knowledge, abstinence, purity, and contraceptives become merely academic matters. The moral and societal aspects of pre- and intra-marital sex become less consequential, and sex education easily becomes only about safety and enjoyment, the equivalence of how-to courses on robbery, murder, and mayhem. Who besides pimps and madams would teach such sex education to children? Closely observe modern sex education classes in your local public schools, in your popular entertainment, in your local religious organization, or among your elected officials. That's who.