Love this, Katelyn! I think that I experienced the inverse social imaginary. I was mostly content in my singleness throughout my twenties because I lived in NYC and Boston--northeast urban centers mostly made up of singles or childless couples.
Now, I am experiencing the next step as a newlywed living in a small town: everyone has kids and it’s almost as isolating as being single among married couples. Learning how to be content, and aware of the social imaginary, is an ongoing challenge indeed.
Thanks for this. I got married + had kids in my 20s, and your life represents an alternative I've often wondered about and at times longed for - though like you, I'm grateful for my choices and where I am today. More dialogue from both sides of this "divide" would be helpful. As would more opportunities to interact in one anothers' lives as women, generally.
Yes! I know this is hard to write, buy woe wow wow is it important. We *have* idolized marriage, and so many suffer because of it. To have no no one really offer vision of the value and goodness of single life and to feel shame & unworthiness because you are somehow failing at this key component to God's "plan", is just a recipe for despair. I have been in rooms with women weeping. My best friend made a terrible marriage out of that desperation. So - thank you for this vulnerable essay. And sharing glimpses of a fun life in NYC. Look forward to the next installment!
I need you to know that I am shouting and cheering for you and this post. I see the vulnerability in it. I am thankful that you went there.
I am so glad that you live in a place that can fully support your life! I am reeeeallll biased about NYC, admittedly. I wish (and want to do my part to create this) that places with lots of professing Christians (of course, there are plenty in NYC) were also places that crafted community really well.
No matter our marital status, sharing the "hard bits" with our brothers and sisters in our community is important not only for our own hearts, but also for those who are on the outside (of your situation) looking in, wanting what you have (marriage, baby, obedient children, believing spouse, etc.).
Thank you for pointing out the difficulty in this particular burden for single women in church-y bubbles. That's one wonderful thing about the internet, it expands our ability to share our story and may provide another person across the world with a "different script" for how things can be, even if nothing in their life changes. So beautiful!
I've never heard the term social imaginary before, but make no mistake, I will try to use it weekly from this point forward lol.
I grew up in Iowa, and you described my experience of the Christian bubble exactly. There is no alternative script, and women are punished socially for straying from the path.
There’s also something going on with the double bind these expectations place women in—the purity culture/modesty/be-demure-and-don’t-flirt attitude BUT ALSO be attractive to men so that one will marry you.
It’s not comfortable either for people who find marriage hard. My husband and I have had occasions when we’ve yelled at each other that we want a divorce. (It can be very cathartic. ) But when I’ve repeated this to friends I have seen horror and incomprehension. Which makes me think that I should be hiding issues, because they wouldn’t be welcome.
This was so relatable to 41-year-old single me. My own equivalent of Glen Ellyn were my years in seminary and being the only woman in my year to still be unmarried by the time we graduated...
I read a couple of books on singleness this year (one Christian, one secular, both in German) that examined the societal pressures around singleness, and they really brought home to me how much living a good single life is still an uphill battle. Going against that pressure and making a good life for ourselves takes a lot of strength that people don't tend to see or acknowledge.
I very much needed to read this. I grew up in the Jesus Bubble of the Bible belt and attended a very conservative university (someone actually just sent me a link today to a meme page from when I was a student. There was a one-does-not-simply meme where the punchline was "leave [school] without an MRS degree"), and I "escaped" after graduation for a year in Europe. It was so eye-opening, and in many ways it was my Glen Ellyn... and then I moved back home. Back to the same expectations and idealizations and suspicion that a woman "past her prime" (prime being like... age 24) might be Up To Something or in someway worth less than other, more holy women who found their Boaz and settled down to provide their requisite quiverfull.
...sorry, I get a bit hot under the collar.
All that is to say that while I'm intellectually aware of the nonsense driving this culture, it's very helpful to sometimes have reminders of truths like the ones you shared here. Thank you.
I remember struggling with the same burden. I didn't move to NYC, but living in a large city and attending a church that at least wanted to understand and welcome singles helped a lot. I just stumbled upon an essay I wrote to myself about my experience some years ago. Thought I'd share...
“As an almost 29 year old single woman, there are plenty of occasions to bemoan a lack of companionship.
Wedding celebrations have the potential to heighten one’s awareness of this lack. An acquaintance told me the other day, whilst at a lingerie shower celebrating the upcoming married sex life of my good friend: “being married is definitely better than being single”. Those words stung. How could they not? If that is the refrain that rings in my ears, I will always feel less than. I will always feel that I’ve been given second best, been passed over for a more worthy woman.
Lately, however, I’ve been rejoicing that I have been an intimate part of four wedding celebrations in the last two years, twice as a maid of honor and twice as a bridesmaid. What a blessing to get to share life with so many people; to get to be a part of the momentous changes in their lives! Lots of parties! Lots of celebrations! Lots of happiness, dancing, drinking, pictures and laughter. So much to look forward to. And I get to celebrate with them.
Even better, I get to celebrate, play, laugh, drink, dance, eat and worship with these friends all year around. And I also get to weep and mourn with them. I get to pray with them through terrible fears, through heartbreaks and losses. I get to talk with them through the battles of health concerns and difficult family relationships. I get to challenge them in their weaknesses, encourage them in their jobs, help them discern vocation and future plans, and rejoice in more milestones. I get to work hard, ask for forgiveness, be loved even though they see the darkness of my heart, and do the same for them. I get to cultivate deep, intimate, vulnerable and sacrificial friendships with people who want to do the same with me.
It’s shameful to admit that I’m still not always good at celebrating with my friends, however. A sermon by Keller dug deeper into my understanding of why this is true for me. I don’t just believe that I have been passed over. I believe that God is not a good and loving father. Instead, I believe that he is a father who withholds. This lie originates in the garden, where Adam and Eve were given gift upon beautiful gift to enjoy together, yet were asked not to eat from one tree. Only one tree. They had everything they needed, but believed the lie that because they weren’t given one more thing, that they couldn’t trust Him. When I can’t celebrate with those I love, when I think that my single life is second best, this is what I am believing.
Perhaps being married really is better. I don’t think so, but I’m not sure. However, I have a loving Father who gives very very good gifts, and in that, I rejoice.”
In 2023, as an almost 37 year old woman who is now married with a little girl, I deeply treasure the single life I had. It held a mixture of bitter and sweet, but it was truly, truly a bountiful life. While I do not experience the same type of loneliness I experienced then, I also don’t experience the same type of intimate friendships, and that is a loneliness in itself. That may sound strange, since I have an intimate friend in my husband. However, the very fact of my singleness enabled me to give of my time and love in any way that I desired and chose. There was no one else who had a claim on how I chose to give that.
A brave, mature, wise and very helpful piece that you've written.
(and I never thought I would gasp with delight at a photo of Billionaire's Row!)
Love this, Katelyn! I think that I experienced the inverse social imaginary. I was mostly content in my singleness throughout my twenties because I lived in NYC and Boston--northeast urban centers mostly made up of singles or childless couples.
Now, I am experiencing the next step as a newlywed living in a small town: everyone has kids and it’s almost as isolating as being single among married couples. Learning how to be content, and aware of the social imaginary, is an ongoing challenge indeed.
Thanks for this. I got married + had kids in my 20s, and your life represents an alternative I've often wondered about and at times longed for - though like you, I'm grateful for my choices and where I am today. More dialogue from both sides of this "divide" would be helpful. As would more opportunities to interact in one anothers' lives as women, generally.
Yes! I know this is hard to write, buy woe wow wow is it important. We *have* idolized marriage, and so many suffer because of it. To have no no one really offer vision of the value and goodness of single life and to feel shame & unworthiness because you are somehow failing at this key component to God's "plan", is just a recipe for despair. I have been in rooms with women weeping. My best friend made a terrible marriage out of that desperation. So - thank you for this vulnerable essay. And sharing glimpses of a fun life in NYC. Look forward to the next installment!
*wow - not woe. Zero woe.
I need you to know that I am shouting and cheering for you and this post. I see the vulnerability in it. I am thankful that you went there.
I am so glad that you live in a place that can fully support your life! I am reeeeallll biased about NYC, admittedly. I wish (and want to do my part to create this) that places with lots of professing Christians (of course, there are plenty in NYC) were also places that crafted community really well.
You know I love this =)
Amen and Amen. Thank you for sharing <3
No matter our marital status, sharing the "hard bits" with our brothers and sisters in our community is important not only for our own hearts, but also for those who are on the outside (of your situation) looking in, wanting what you have (marriage, baby, obedient children, believing spouse, etc.).
Thank you for pointing out the difficulty in this particular burden for single women in church-y bubbles. That's one wonderful thing about the internet, it expands our ability to share our story and may provide another person across the world with a "different script" for how things can be, even if nothing in their life changes. So beautiful!
I've never heard the term social imaginary before, but make no mistake, I will try to use it weekly from this point forward lol.
This is SO GOOD, Katelyn.
I grew up in Iowa, and you described my experience of the Christian bubble exactly. There is no alternative script, and women are punished socially for straying from the path.
There’s also something going on with the double bind these expectations place women in—the purity culture/modesty/be-demure-and-don’t-flirt attitude BUT ALSO be attractive to men so that one will marry you.
Thank you. You have put words to part of my inner world. Please write more about Charles Taylor!
Thank you! The church is not a comfortable place for those of us who are unmarried - either single or separated/divorced.
It’s not comfortable either for people who find marriage hard. My husband and I have had occasions when we’ve yelled at each other that we want a divorce. (It can be very cathartic. ) But when I’ve repeated this to friends I have seen horror and incomprehension. Which makes me think that I should be hiding issues, because they wouldn’t be welcome.
This was so relatable to 41-year-old single me. My own equivalent of Glen Ellyn were my years in seminary and being the only woman in my year to still be unmarried by the time we graduated...
I read a couple of books on singleness this year (one Christian, one secular, both in German) that examined the societal pressures around singleness, and they really brought home to me how much living a good single life is still an uphill battle. Going against that pressure and making a good life for ourselves takes a lot of strength that people don't tend to see or acknowledge.
Thank you for sharing this!
I very much needed to read this. I grew up in the Jesus Bubble of the Bible belt and attended a very conservative university (someone actually just sent me a link today to a meme page from when I was a student. There was a one-does-not-simply meme where the punchline was "leave [school] without an MRS degree"), and I "escaped" after graduation for a year in Europe. It was so eye-opening, and in many ways it was my Glen Ellyn... and then I moved back home. Back to the same expectations and idealizations and suspicion that a woman "past her prime" (prime being like... age 24) might be Up To Something or in someway worth less than other, more holy women who found their Boaz and settled down to provide their requisite quiverfull.
...sorry, I get a bit hot under the collar.
All that is to say that while I'm intellectually aware of the nonsense driving this culture, it's very helpful to sometimes have reminders of truths like the ones you shared here. Thank you.
Oh yeah. Christian subculture is built around marriage but ... surprise ... so is non-Christian culture in the US. Proud of you and great respect for doing what it takes to row against the current. https://theperennialgen.com/i-got-married-because-being-single-was-too-hard/
I remember struggling with the same burden. I didn't move to NYC, but living in a large city and attending a church that at least wanted to understand and welcome singles helped a lot. I just stumbled upon an essay I wrote to myself about my experience some years ago. Thought I'd share...
“As an almost 29 year old single woman, there are plenty of occasions to bemoan a lack of companionship.
Wedding celebrations have the potential to heighten one’s awareness of this lack. An acquaintance told me the other day, whilst at a lingerie shower celebrating the upcoming married sex life of my good friend: “being married is definitely better than being single”. Those words stung. How could they not? If that is the refrain that rings in my ears, I will always feel less than. I will always feel that I’ve been given second best, been passed over for a more worthy woman.
Lately, however, I’ve been rejoicing that I have been an intimate part of four wedding celebrations in the last two years, twice as a maid of honor and twice as a bridesmaid. What a blessing to get to share life with so many people; to get to be a part of the momentous changes in their lives! Lots of parties! Lots of celebrations! Lots of happiness, dancing, drinking, pictures and laughter. So much to look forward to. And I get to celebrate with them.
Even better, I get to celebrate, play, laugh, drink, dance, eat and worship with these friends all year around. And I also get to weep and mourn with them. I get to pray with them through terrible fears, through heartbreaks and losses. I get to talk with them through the battles of health concerns and difficult family relationships. I get to challenge them in their weaknesses, encourage them in their jobs, help them discern vocation and future plans, and rejoice in more milestones. I get to work hard, ask for forgiveness, be loved even though they see the darkness of my heart, and do the same for them. I get to cultivate deep, intimate, vulnerable and sacrificial friendships with people who want to do the same with me.
It’s shameful to admit that I’m still not always good at celebrating with my friends, however. A sermon by Keller dug deeper into my understanding of why this is true for me. I don’t just believe that I have been passed over. I believe that God is not a good and loving father. Instead, I believe that he is a father who withholds. This lie originates in the garden, where Adam and Eve were given gift upon beautiful gift to enjoy together, yet were asked not to eat from one tree. Only one tree. They had everything they needed, but believed the lie that because they weren’t given one more thing, that they couldn’t trust Him. When I can’t celebrate with those I love, when I think that my single life is second best, this is what I am believing.
Perhaps being married really is better. I don’t think so, but I’m not sure. However, I have a loving Father who gives very very good gifts, and in that, I rejoice.”
In 2023, as an almost 37 year old woman who is now married with a little girl, I deeply treasure the single life I had. It held a mixture of bitter and sweet, but it was truly, truly a bountiful life. While I do not experience the same type of loneliness I experienced then, I also don’t experience the same type of intimate friendships, and that is a loneliness in itself. That may sound strange, since I have an intimate friend in my husband. However, the very fact of my singleness enabled me to give of my time and love in any way that I desired and chose. There was no one else who had a claim on how I chose to give that.