Thanks for this. I got married + had kids in my 20s, and your life represents an alternative I've often wondered about and at times longed for - though like you, I'm grateful for my choices and where I am today. More dialogue from both sides of this "divide" would be helpful. As would more opportunities to interact in one anothers' lives as women, generally.
Love this, Katelyn! I think that I experienced the inverse social imaginary. I was mostly content in my singleness throughout my twenties because I lived in NYC and Boston--northeast urban centers mostly made up of singles or childless couples.
Now, I am experiencing the next step as a newlywed living in a small town: everyone has kids and it’s almost as isolating as being single among married couples. Learning how to be content, and aware of the social imaginary, is an ongoing challenge indeed.
Yes! I know this is hard to write, buy woe wow wow is it important. We *have* idolized marriage, and so many suffer because of it. To have no no one really offer vision of the value and goodness of single life and to feel shame & unworthiness because you are somehow failing at this key component to God's "plan", is just a recipe for despair. I have been in rooms with women weeping. My best friend made a terrible marriage out of that desperation. So - thank you for this vulnerable essay. And sharing glimpses of a fun life in NYC. Look forward to the next installment!
I need you to know that I am shouting and cheering for you and this post. I see the vulnerability in it. I am thankful that you went there.
I am so glad that you live in a place that can fully support your life! I am reeeeallll biased about NYC, admittedly. I wish (and want to do my part to create this) that places with lots of professing Christians (of course, there are plenty in NYC) were also places that crafted community really well.
No matter our marital status, sharing the "hard bits" with our brothers and sisters in our community is important not only for our own hearts, but also for those who are on the outside (of your situation) looking in, wanting what you have (marriage, baby, obedient children, believing spouse, etc.).
Thank you for pointing out the difficulty in this particular burden for single women in church-y bubbles. That's one wonderful thing about the internet, it expands our ability to share our story and may provide another person across the world with a "different script" for how things can be, even if nothing in their life changes. So beautiful!
I've never heard the term social imaginary before, but make no mistake, I will try to use it weekly from this point forward lol.
It’s not comfortable either for people who find marriage hard. My husband and I have had occasions when we’ve yelled at each other that we want a divorce. (It can be very cathartic. ) But when I’ve repeated this to friends I have seen horror and incomprehension. Which makes me think that I should be hiding issues, because they wouldn’t be welcome.
I grew up in Iowa, and you described my experience of the Christian bubble exactly. There is no alternative script, and women are punished socially for straying from the path.
There’s also something going on with the double bind these expectations place women in—the purity culture/modesty/be-demure-and-don’t-flirt attitude BUT ALSO be attractive to men so that one will marry you.
This was so relatable to 41-year-old single me. My own equivalent of Glen Ellyn were my years in seminary and being the only woman in my year to still be unmarried by the time we graduated...
I read a couple of books on singleness this year (one Christian, one secular, both in German) that examined the societal pressures around singleness, and they really brought home to me how much living a good single life is still an uphill battle. Going against that pressure and making a good life for ourselves takes a lot of strength that people don't tend to see or acknowledge.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It turns out being single in my 30s has been an enormous blessing. I never thought that was possible in my early 20s.
I very much needed to read this. I grew up in the Jesus Bubble of the Bible belt and attended a very conservative university (someone actually just sent me a link today to a meme page from when I was a student. There was a one-does-not-simply meme where the punchline was "leave [school] without an MRS degree"), and I "escaped" after graduation for a year in Europe. It was so eye-opening, and in many ways it was my Glen Ellyn... and then I moved back home. Back to the same expectations and idealizations and suspicion that a woman "past her prime" (prime being like... age 24) might be Up To Something or in someway worth less than other, more holy women who found their Boaz and settled down to provide their requisite quiverfull.
...sorry, I get a bit hot under the collar.
All that is to say that while I'm intellectually aware of the nonsense driving this culture, it's very helpful to sometimes have reminders of truths like the ones you shared here. Thank you.
Thanks for this. I got married + had kids in my 20s, and your life represents an alternative I've often wondered about and at times longed for - though like you, I'm grateful for my choices and where I am today. More dialogue from both sides of this "divide" would be helpful. As would more opportunities to interact in one anothers' lives as women, generally.
A brave, mature, wise and very helpful piece that you've written.
(and I never thought I would gasp with delight at a photo of Billionaire's Row!)
Love this, Katelyn! I think that I experienced the inverse social imaginary. I was mostly content in my singleness throughout my twenties because I lived in NYC and Boston--northeast urban centers mostly made up of singles or childless couples.
Now, I am experiencing the next step as a newlywed living in a small town: everyone has kids and it’s almost as isolating as being single among married couples. Learning how to be content, and aware of the social imaginary, is an ongoing challenge indeed.
Yes! I know this is hard to write, buy woe wow wow is it important. We *have* idolized marriage, and so many suffer because of it. To have no no one really offer vision of the value and goodness of single life and to feel shame & unworthiness because you are somehow failing at this key component to God's "plan", is just a recipe for despair. I have been in rooms with women weeping. My best friend made a terrible marriage out of that desperation. So - thank you for this vulnerable essay. And sharing glimpses of a fun life in NYC. Look forward to the next installment!
*wow - not woe. Zero woe.
I need you to know that I am shouting and cheering for you and this post. I see the vulnerability in it. I am thankful that you went there.
I am so glad that you live in a place that can fully support your life! I am reeeeallll biased about NYC, admittedly. I wish (and want to do my part to create this) that places with lots of professing Christians (of course, there are plenty in NYC) were also places that crafted community really well.
This is SO GOOD, Katelyn.
You know I love this =)
Amen and Amen. Thank you for sharing <3
No matter our marital status, sharing the "hard bits" with our brothers and sisters in our community is important not only for our own hearts, but also for those who are on the outside (of your situation) looking in, wanting what you have (marriage, baby, obedient children, believing spouse, etc.).
Thank you for pointing out the difficulty in this particular burden for single women in church-y bubbles. That's one wonderful thing about the internet, it expands our ability to share our story and may provide another person across the world with a "different script" for how things can be, even if nothing in their life changes. So beautiful!
I've never heard the term social imaginary before, but make no mistake, I will try to use it weekly from this point forward lol.
Thank you! The church is not a comfortable place for those of us who are unmarried - either single or separated/divorced.
It’s not comfortable either for people who find marriage hard. My husband and I have had occasions when we’ve yelled at each other that we want a divorce. (It can be very cathartic. ) But when I’ve repeated this to friends I have seen horror and incomprehension. Which makes me think that I should be hiding issues, because they wouldn’t be welcome.
I grew up in Iowa, and you described my experience of the Christian bubble exactly. There is no alternative script, and women are punished socially for straying from the path.
There’s also something going on with the double bind these expectations place women in—the purity culture/modesty/be-demure-and-don’t-flirt attitude BUT ALSO be attractive to men so that one will marry you.
This was so relatable to 41-year-old single me. My own equivalent of Glen Ellyn were my years in seminary and being the only woman in my year to still be unmarried by the time we graduated...
I read a couple of books on singleness this year (one Christian, one secular, both in German) that examined the societal pressures around singleness, and they really brought home to me how much living a good single life is still an uphill battle. Going against that pressure and making a good life for ourselves takes a lot of strength that people don't tend to see or acknowledge.
Thank you. You have put words to part of my inner world. Please write more about Charles Taylor!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It turns out being single in my 30s has been an enormous blessing. I never thought that was possible in my early 20s.
Thank you for sharing this!
I very much needed to read this. I grew up in the Jesus Bubble of the Bible belt and attended a very conservative university (someone actually just sent me a link today to a meme page from when I was a student. There was a one-does-not-simply meme where the punchline was "leave [school] without an MRS degree"), and I "escaped" after graduation for a year in Europe. It was so eye-opening, and in many ways it was my Glen Ellyn... and then I moved back home. Back to the same expectations and idealizations and suspicion that a woman "past her prime" (prime being like... age 24) might be Up To Something or in someway worth less than other, more holy women who found their Boaz and settled down to provide their requisite quiverfull.
...sorry, I get a bit hot under the collar.
All that is to say that while I'm intellectually aware of the nonsense driving this culture, it's very helpful to sometimes have reminders of truths like the ones you shared here. Thank you.
Oh yeah. Christian subculture is built around marriage but ... surprise ... so is non-Christian culture in the US. Proud of you and great respect for doing what it takes to row against the current. https://theperennialgen.com/i-got-married-because-being-single-was-too-hard/